Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Big Bad Bugs

You may think I am in love with all wildlife on earth just because I consider myself one who enjoys biology. That I love all things nature. All the weird and ugly animals of this world are my best friends or something. Boy, are you wrong! I do enjoy nature. However, I do have a limit. My limit's label: BUGS. If you put me in a cage surrounded by sharks in the water, my heart would be racing, but I would overall be fine. Like I would be enjoying myself. But if you dare to put a spider or cockroach in front of my face, doesn't matter how small, I will freak to the point of complete embarrassment. 
Example. Today I was sitting in the 3rd row of my organic chemistry class. I was focused on trying to understand whatever my professor was saying (which is impossible) and all of the sudden I saw a humongous spider crawling 6-odd inches away from my feet. Needless to say I freaked to the point of complete embarrassment, as I usually do. (Whenever I tell someone a bug is big, they don't believe me because any bug to me is big. Big in scariness. I think my brain tells my eyes to multiply the size of the bug 2 or 3 times. Maybe it's a health condition. Or a mental illness.) 

A Brown Recluse Spider.
It crawled right to me, like it knew. Yeah, it knew. It knew I was the one to go for. They probably talk about me in their bug meetings or conventions or whatever they do. They probably have me on like a "list to kill" or something. At the end of their meetings they all say, "...and remember: if you see her, you know what to do." 
So it started to come to me, closing the gap between it and my feet. I started to see black spots. All at once I felt a heaviness in my stomach, my lungs collapsing, and this intense heat in my throat.
I booked it outta there! I was gone. My neighbor, the poor guy who doesn't know me very well at all, almost got sacked. There was no way I would try to kill the spider by putting myself nearer to it. Nuh-uh. No siree. Thankfully someone squished and killed it with their tennis shoe. Lord, thank you for the brave soul who took one for the team! It would've taken me hours to kill that. Goodness, I wish I had taken a picture so you see how huge this thing was! The girl who killed it looked over to me and said in the most quiet and tranquil way, "Glad we killed him. I'm pretty sure that was a brown recluse." Then she turned back around like everything went back to normal as I sat there in horror, still shaking to the point where I couldn't even write legibly. The rest of class time consisted of me looking at my feet every 30 seconds, searching for the spider's army of friends surely coming after me soon. Was it a brown recluse? We'll never know. Unless we obtain a sample from the bottom of that nice girl's shoe...
As you can tell, I don't like spiders. Bugs in general are just my ultimate fear, but spiders...they are the big kahuna. The big enchilada. The top banana, shall we say. You will never catch me dead with a spider in my presence willingly. Of course, they're everywhere, so I don't have much choice. I heard some time ago that in life there will always be a spider in a certain small circumference of your person. Like a few feet or something horrifying like that. Now there's a scary story to tell your kids at night. They won't sleep for weeks.
Why, God, not multitudes of bunnies?? Look at their cuteness!
It's just too bad that the biggest group of animals in this world is the bug population. Why, God, can't it be birds? Or bunnies? Or platypuses? Platypi? Who cares. Just not bugs! Okay, I can deal with multitudes of butterflies or lightning bugs. But not the beetles or the roaches. I cringe just typing it out! If you like bugs, you must be so mad at me right now. Sorry for the huge slap in the face of bugs, but I can't stand them.
They are definitely necessary for our world. Sadly, this is true. If it weren't for certain types of insects that eat decomposing material, we would have a bunch of (you guessed it) decomposing material stinking up the world. If not for certain insects that eat other even worse insects, we would have a world filled with overbearing populations of dangerous bugs, even more than we have now. I can't imagine. Ughh...I guess we should thank them for their services. I'll thank them. But not as much as I thanked tennis shoe girl for the defeat of my arch nemesis.


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